Catching Up

I am not this woman anymore. Taking care of myself needs to mean something different!

I don’t know what day it is.  I’ve been running so fast trying to keep up, to catch up.   With the holidays approaching I know it’s only going to go faster, so I am looking for balance.

I was sure that today was going to be one of those days when I didn’t have time for anything.  I had too many appointments, too many commitments.  I’d meant to make some calls and move things around, but never got around to it.  Panic!

Then I looked at the calendar again this morning.  There’s that button that says “today” and makes the cursor go to the current schedule.  Seems like the crazy Monday is NEXT week.   I still have time to make those phone calls.  I have different things to do today, and no so many.  I can do this.

This week my goal is to try and stop compartmentalizing my life.  I get into trouble (too much to do) when those compartments start bumping into each other.  Maybe if it was all one thing it would be easier to keep it all straight.

I’ve got a lot of projects in the works.  I’m doing some more speaking.  I’m planning an interfaith ritual as part of my post Parliament commitment.  I’m finishing up a year’s book work for a non-profit and stepping up to head the board.  I’ve still got students in my Wiccan tradition.  I’ve still got Orion, his annual meeting is this month.  I’ve still got Gilda’s club, and my women’s group and friends I need to check in with.  I’ve got another book to write!

Sometimes when there’s a lot on the plate, something has to go.  This time I’m still finding myself in the habit of conserving.  I’m not really pushing my edges physically at all.  I think maybe, what I need to finally let go of, is my fear of not being able.

I’ve spent so many years being physically cautious.  I’ve had to have the energy when I needed it and so have always tucked away a little extra when I could.  I’ve paced myself physically, insisting on lengthy breaks between tasks.  It really was necessary.  When I couldn’t do that I’d end up in bed for a day, or days.  I’d do too much and then really hurt myself.

Now I can do so much more, and I’m excited and grateful that I can do so much more.  But I still find myself being cautious, taking breaks I don’t really need.  I avoid taking on large projects because I’m not sure I’ll be able to finish them.  What has to give is this fear.  It’s time to fly.

When I hit those edges I’ll know.  When I need to take care of myself, I’ll know. When I need to just stop and come back another day, I’ll know.  I may not be able to do it all, but I can do it.  It will be fun.

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