Shut Down

Officially we went up to avoid the Super Bowl crowds and have a little party

Have you missed me?  I’ve noticed that when I’m dealing with big events in my life I stop writing.  My journals all have gapping holes during the times when I would be most interested in going back and reading about what I was thinking in the moment.  I’ve blank spaces from when Orion was a baby, and each of his hospitalizations.  I have holes in the record immediately after recording that I had cancer.  I stopped journaling when the cupboards came off the walls.

My parents are aging and it’s hard.  It’s hard on them and it’s hard on us.  I’ve missed the last two blogs. The first I skipped because my folks don’t have internet, the second because I’d just gotten home.  I have been slammed with emotional content and I shut down.

When I was a kid I was “sensitive”.  I cried in empathy, wore my emotions on my shirtsleeve and was generally harassed about it.  I made an active decision to stop.

The first trick was pretty easy, typical in my family.  That is to put emotion aside while you deal with a crisis.  The idea is to stay clear headed and available, and not add to the chaos while it is occurring.   The aftermath, when everything is safe, comes like a tidal wave and can be very confusing as it appears to have no source.

Here’s sympathy AND distraction

Having that kind of emotional catharsis in public is a great opportunity for gaslighting.   There IS nothing to be so upset about (anymore).  It IS overreacting (because it’s all the reaction at once).  Even the part about “just looking for attention” isn’t entirely false.  If I’ve just spent hours offering sympathy and emotional support to others, yes I may be looking for a little sympathy and emotional support for myself.

So I learned to allow myself to be distracted.  Eventually I learned never to “get around” to dealing with my emotional content.  There are lots of distractions!   I’ve been trying to unlearn that.

Black Panther! We got there early. Theater was sold out for an 11:45am Sunday show.

I’ve found that I’m a better writer when I can be open to emotion.  I’ve found that there is strength in vulnerability.  I’ve found that it’s really hard to make myself do the work and that I need to create a time and space for it.  I still can’t do it in public, at least not until I have a good handle on it myself.  The support would be nice, but the gaslighting I can’t deal with.

So I shut down, a little.  I look for distractions (I don’t have to look hard).  I pick and choose my confidants.  I try to carve out some space.  Please be patient with me.