Emotions

The root of the problem

The root of the problem

It seems the more I start to feel like myself again, the more I am bombarded with emotions.  I shouldn’t be surprised.  It is typical for me to dig in and deal with crisis.  As long as there’s something that needs doing I’ll be okay.  It’s when things settle down that all that backlog comes rushing forward demanding to be heard.  I have time to “feel the feelings” and I don’t like it.

I have so much to be grateful for.  I got an early diagnosis.  I have good doctors.  I got to have laparoscopic surgery.  Hell, I’ve beaten cancer twice!  I’ve been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and the kindness of my friends.

Eggs on the Ostara altar holding  potential and wishes for the future.

Eggs on the Ostara altar holding potential and wishes for the future.

I also feel like I’ve been put through the ringer, again.  They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but I feel like I’m fraying at the edges.  Some of that is simply age.  I’m not as resilient as I was in my 20’s.  I don’t bounce back as fast, or as far, and it’s frustrating.  Some of it is that, although I’ve had all the help that I need, I haven’t had the support of a partner cheering me along.  When my spirits sag, I have to bring them back up on my own.

There are signs that spring is coming.

There are signs that spring is coming.

What really challenges me, though, is the lack of security.  I don’t have sick leave.  I don’t have vacation time.  I don’t have a nest egg.  I am trying to build a new career.  I’m looking into moving Orion out.  I’m not sure, even healthy, that I can continue to live in my home.  The cancer diagnosis just underlines that there are no guarantees in life.

Ostara, the spring equinox, is a time of balance and new beginnings.  That seems like a good place to start.  Finding the new normal, creating patterns and systems that are healthy, and hanging on to hope; that is the task at hand.  As long as there’s something that needs doing, I’ll be okay.

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About lisaspiral

I've been writing and speaking about spirituality to small groups for years and am looking to expand my horizons. Hopefully this blog will inspire you to expand yours as well.

Posted on March 30, 2015, in Acceptance, Bio, grattitude, kindness, Pagan, seasonal, spirituality, Spring and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. It is hard to find your path when emotions take over, isn’t it? I wish I could give you words of wisdom that would make it easier. I wish I could tell you with foreknowledge that everything will be all right, but I can’t guarantee anything. If I had the ability, I would give you the gift of promises, but I can’t. All I can offer is distant friendship, an understanding ear, and a virtual hug.

  2. That was positive all things considered. You are amazing and tough 🙂 ..a survivor on many levels, and inspiring! You inspire me to keep on keeping in the face of shitty things that just happen and I am grateful when you share :-)!!

  3. You have every right to be emotional, Lisa. It’s all part of processing shitty things. You have more than your share right now. Be as emotional as you need to be.

  1. Pingback: Inspiration | Spiral Visions

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