It seems the more I start to feel like myself again, the more I am bombarded with emotions. I shouldn’t be surprised. It is typical for me to dig in and deal with crisis. As long as there’s something that needs doing I’ll be okay. It’s when things settle down that all that backlog comes rushing forward demanding to be heard. I have time to “feel the feelings” and I don’t like it.
I have so much to be grateful for. I got an early diagnosis. I have good doctors. I got to have laparoscopic surgery. Hell, I’ve beaten cancer twice! I’ve been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and the kindness of my friends.
I also feel like I’ve been put through the ringer, again. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but I feel like I’m fraying at the edges. Some of that is simply age. I’m not as resilient as I was in my 20’s. I don’t bounce back as fast, or as far, and it’s frustrating. Some of it is that, although I’ve had all the help that I need, I haven’t had the support of a partner cheering me along. When my spirits sag, I have to bring them back up on my own.
What really challenges me, though, is the lack of security. I don’t have sick leave. I don’t have vacation time. I don’t have a nest egg. I am trying to build a new career. I’m looking into moving Orion out. I’m not sure, even healthy, that I can continue to live in my home. The cancer diagnosis just underlines that there are no guarantees in life.
Ostara, the spring equinox, is a time of balance and new beginnings. That seems like a good place to start. Finding the new normal, creating patterns and systems that are healthy, and hanging on to hope; that is the task at hand. As long as there’s something that needs doing, I’ll be okay.